Being Refined

As a Christ follower, I'm in a constant state of being refined {{or at least when I'm listening to God and walking in His obedience}}. The past five months I feel as if I've been put through the fire, at times. I'm learning to stare down my deepest fears and look them in the eye. I'm learning that I'm more of a control freak than I thought I was.

Opening our home to others has made me realize just how much I am NOT in control. I've struggled with worrying about a situation so much that I make myself sick over it. Maybe you can relate? Going through every possible scenario and playing out all the possible outcomes. It's exhausting; not to mention a waste of time.

I've struggled with having thoughts that are selfish, entitled, self-righteous, and envious. There are times I can easily take them before God and ask Him to change my heart. There are time I seek out scriptures or friends' advice for encouragement. But if I'm honest, there are times when I just want to have myself a little pity party. There are days where I just want to sit in my pool of thoughts and be mad.

BUT eventually... I'm always brought back to an understanding that I cannot do this without God's wisdom, direction, peace, and strength. On my own, I fail every time. I'm having to come to terms that I'm not perfect. That I don't always have the answer. That God's plan doesn't always line up with my plans. I'm learning that I need to give up the control and let God do His thing, because He's pretty dang good at it. I'm learning to not only say I trust Him, but actually trust Him in the very core of my being.

I'm being refined. It's ugly and painful, but beautiful and freeing all at the same time.

Never Say Never

It's been a while since I've written last. It's been over a month since little miss went to live with a relative. We have gotten many updates about how she is doing and have been able to stay in contact, which brings my heart so much joy. We are at complete peace that she is in good hands and doing well. Being a month removed from our heartache, I can see so clearly what God was up to. In the midst of all the pain, it was the right move for her and for that I am thankful.

It's been a little ironic for me to work through some of my feelings these past few months because I feel like sometimes people put us on a pedestal for what we are doing. We are told often how awesome we are. It's actually been really funny to me because through this whole process, God is teaching me just how selfish, entitled, and sinful I really am. If I'm honest, that's been a game changer for me. I've always realized I have my issues, but for the most part, I felt like I wasn't "that bad". Boy has that changed!

God is stretching me and growing me in ways I NEVER expected. In some ways, I wouldn't change it for the world because I feel that for the first time in my faith, I am actually comprehending what it truly means to be a Christ follower. I'm learning what it means to set aside what I want, what I think is best and most comfortable. I'm learning to set aside the American dream that I've thought I deserve and am entitled to. Instead God is wrecking my heart for people who also desperately need to know His love and experience life change. In these last few months, I have experienced the Spirit in ways I never knew were possible. It's exhilarating and empowering. It's also scary and causes complete reliance on Him. It's the best and the worst, if that's even possible.

Two weeks ago we were made aware that one of our students was in need of a permanent place to stay and call home. ((Let me tell you that when we started this process, I told Chris that I would NOT take in teenagers, at least for a while. It was too scary for me. There was already so much out of my control with foster care alone that I couldn't handle much more than elementary aged kids.)) Well, I'm learning to never say never to God. When I first heard of this student needing a place to stay, I knew exactly what Chris would want to do. I won't lie, it wasn't as quick and easy for me to just say yes. I took time to pray and seek out the Lord and he WRECKED me. Even though I may have fears, it all goes back to our main mission and purpose when we started this ministry. I've thought back to one of my last posts A Simple Yes. I knew that I couldn't say I was about helping children who needed a place to stay and then say "no" to one of our own students that we love and care about. God reminded me of our purpose, how awesome of an opportunity and impact this can be. He reminded me that this life isn't about me playing it safe or being comfortable. My house and money are not my own. Over and over He showed me truths and exposed my selfishness.

So today, we start a new journey. A journey that will look much different than our last, for many reasons. We are taking someone 10 years older, with much more life experiences. We aren't able to work with the system, so many things will be different. It will be a new learning process, but it's one we are excited about.

Here's to never saying never to God and helping raise a teenager!

Saying Goodbye

I’ve thought about writing this post for a while, but haven’t quite been able to form the words. The last week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. When we started fostering, I knew that when children would leave our house, it would hurt, but I never knew just how much it would hurt.

I’ve never experienced grief or loss on this level. I’ve had a few close people pass away in my life, but they were older and it was easier to reconcile. In this past week, I have been grieving the loss of a child and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.  

To make a long story short, we were emailed on a Friday and told that little miss would be leaving our home the following Tuesday. We were completely blindsided, as we had been told she would be with us at least through the end of the year. I always knew deep down that things can change any moment, but I held on to the fact that we had plenty of time left with her. To make matters even harder, we were leaving that Wednesday for a trip home to STL. We had already had the travel approval several weeks before. This meant that not only would she be transitioning out of our home sooner than expected, but she wouldn’t be going on our trip home. A trip we had been counting down for and talking about all the fun things we had planned. I was absolutely devastated and angry.

After a few days passed and we talked to our agency, I was able to see the situation more clearly and felt at peace that she would be with family. I never thought I’d be okay with her not going on the trip, but I trusted the peace that I felt. I was able to understand that for both us and her, it was better to not make more relationships and memories that would then have to be taken away from her shortly after.

When it came time to say goodbye it was an out of body experience. It’s as if someone is dying and you know exactly how much time you have left. You carefully form your words and think about everything you want to say. I laid awake that night thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell her and we just didn’t have that much time. I had to come to terms with the fact that we loved her well and provided her a safe place when she needed it most. This has been encouraging for me as we decide when to take our next child. I want to give them all I have because when they leave, it’s never going to feel like enough time. Many people say they could never foster because it would hurt too much or they would get too attached, but isn’t that the point? If we knew ahead of time that she would leave on said date, we wouldn’t have given her everything we had because naturally, we would have put up walls. I can honestly say that we gave her all we had and I would do it all over again. I pray that the things we poured into her will stay with her and blossom. We may never get to see the fruit that is produced, but we can know that we helped plant the seeds and that’s an amazing privilege to have.

As I move forward, I still have a lot to process through. I still have days where I’m sad and cry. I have thoughts that I feel guilty about. There are so many blurred lines in foster care. I started going to a therapist when we started this journey and it has been such a blessing to work through it with an experienced Christian counselor. I know with time the grief will subside. I think there are certain feelings that will never leave, but that’s okay. I am an adult and will take on all of these hard and awful feeling for the sake of a child. Knowing that while she was in the system she was in a house who actually treated her well makes my heart happy.

Chris and I are praying about when to re-open our house and trusting that God’s timing is best. We don’t want to rush anything and want to make sure we’ve worked through our feelings. I know with each leave, we will have feelings to work through, but with little miss being our first, I think it will take longer. Deep down, I have fears about who our next child will be, but I know God will equip us and give us exactly what we need to care for them.

**To our friends and family – thank you for all of your support, encouragement, and prayers. We have seen the ripple effect this has had on our friends and family as well and we recognize that it’s not easy. Thank you for walking alongside of us and being in this process with us. It really does take a village.

Moving forward, please don’t feel weird to talk about little miss or ask how we are doing. It’s nice to know that people are praying for us. If you ask and it’s a hard day, we’ll communicate that. We will also communicate if we need to just vent for a bit. We are taking this day by day, just like we did when she arrived!**

A simple yes.

When we started the foster process I was filled with many emotions. I can't tell you how many times I replayed the scenario in my head of when we'd get our first little one. Even though I had no picture, or reference, I still thought about it a lot. We would wait for them at the door and welcome them to our home. We'd tell them our names and show them their room. We'd help them unpack their things and show them around. We'd all start to adjust and get used to our new normal. I was excited, anxious, and fearful all at the same time.

I had a LOT of fears when it came to fostering. I had a LOT of what if's. I wrote a blog post on this once before. For those who know me well, you know that I am extremely Type A personality. I love order, structure, and consistency. I like knowing the plan and being in control of the plan. Fostering turned my world upside down because all of the things I love and thrive off of were taken from me. I wanted to write this post for people who have maybe considered doing foster care, but are similar to me and letting fear stand in their way. I want this to be an encouragement to you. To share with you how much God has provided for us in this new journey and how He will do the same for you.

Three of my biggest concerns were family visits, having everything a child would need, and finding respite care for our already planned trips. Most children in foster care get weekly visits with their parents, sometimes more than once a week. I was VERY stressed about how we would make this happen with Chris and I both working full time. I also had fears about the financial burden of setting up our house for a child. We had NOTHING for children and were starting from scratch. Lastly, we knew of two weeks that we'd be gone this summer and it just seemed easier to keep putting our start date off. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of other little fears and what if's swirling around in my head, but these three haunted me.

All that to say, God has stomped on ALL of my fears and what if's. He has blessed us beyond measure and provided in ways that can only be explained by His goodness.

1. I was stressed about visits and we found out that she would only have one monthly visit. This took off a lot of added stress for us. ((Don't get me wrong, if she is allowed more time with her mom, we will gladly find the time to make it happen.))

2. I was stressed about getting everything she would need for day to day life. Before little miss even came to us, our friends threw us a gift card shower, which was a huge blessing. We were able to prepare a whole bedroom for her to come to, full of toys and games. Several co-workers, friends, and church members have gone out of their way to buy her clothes, shoes, and toys. People have mailed us things as well. We literally have not bought her any clothes and her closet is overflowing. She came with one pair of shoes that fit her and she now has a closet full of choices. People in our life have seen a need and met it. It is humbling and so overwhelming.

3. I was stressed about all that our life holds. We are busy people. We had already planned an anniversary trip for the summer, plus we had CIY for our youth kids. For both of these trips I knew kids would not be allowed to come. Having these fears made it easy for me to keep pushing off our start date. When little miss came, I started to pray that respite would fall into place. It broke my heart to think about putting her in a stranger's home and telling her we'd be back in a week. I just couldn't bring myself to it. I had thoughts of canceling our vacation and doing it another time. Just this week, God, yet again provided in a BIG way. Our friends, who are currently in the process of becoming foster parents themselves, are going to be able to watch her while we are gone. They are literally finishing the trainings they need TWO, yes TWO days before we leave. Little miss knows them, is familiar with their house, and loves playing with their girls. My heart has been so overwhelmed with joy and peace since we've found out that they can watch her.

Lastly, I know that for many a fear is having a good support group. This one can be hard because you don't get to choose how your friends and family will respond to your decision. I wouldn't say that this was a fear for me, as we had a lot of support from the get-go. However, I did worry that our social life would die once we had a child in our home. I feared that our friends wouldn't want to hangout. This is probably the fear that has not only been stomped on, but has brought me the most joy. I have learned that it most definitely takes a village and our is the best. I'm not kidding when I say that I will think about the ways our friends and family have blessed us over this past month and just cry tears of joy. We've had friends call us and ask to come take little miss out so we could have alone time. We've had friends come to the house and hangout with her so that we could go out on a date. I've had a friend sitting on my bed, while I ugly cry, and just encourage me and pray over me. We have people who are constantly checking in to see how the three of us are doing. I've made late night calls to people who always answer, and listen, and provide wisdom and suggestions. It's been amazing to watch our friends and family connect with little miss. They are doing what they do because they care and they see the mission, but also because they already care deeply for her. It's amazing getting to see the connections she is making with so many people that are dear to our hearts. She is impacting the lives of so many.


With all of the fears I've talked about, whether big or little, I could have easily let them get in the way. I could have let my thoughts take me captive and never moved forward with becoming a foster parent, but in all of this, I have learned one simple thing. All we need to be is obedient. All we need to do is say "yes," and God will do the rest.

{{If you're reading this and you've sent well wishes, messages of encouragement, texts to check in on us, you've asked how we are doing in person, you bought clothes/toys/shoes/etc. THANK YOU. We could not do what we are doing without the support and love from all of you.}}

Day by Day

Today, as I was scrolling though Facebook, I realized that May is National Foster Care Awareness month. I've thought about writing a blog post several times, but haven't actually made the time to sit down and type out all my thoughts. Reading through the different foster care pages I follow, I decided that this month is a great time to share. 

I've posted a few thought on Facebook, but I don't even know if what I've experienced over the past month can even been put into adequate words.

First, I'm amazed at how quickly we've been able to make a connection with little miss. She has adjusted so well to us and really seems to be enjoying herself. She has let her sassy personality shine. She loves to make jokes, cuddle, and just spend quality time together.  She's confident, super intelligent, and isn't afraid to call us out. Just today at dinner she said, "You two just talk and talk and talk." In the moments you want to be mad, you know she's right. I thank God for blessing Chris and me with such a sweet little girl. She has turned our life upside down, but man, is she worth it. 

Things have really started to get into a routine for us. Somedays, I forget all the sticky circumstances we live under. I forget that she's five and has a thousand thoughts in her mind about what the rest of her life holds. When she opens up to us and shares the things she experienced in her life, it takes everything in me to not just cry with her. I remain strong and encourage her and then go to my room and have a moment. 

Life just isn't fair. There is so much hurt and brokenness. I look into her sweet eyes everyday and am just amazed at the little girl that she is. I'm thankful to her family for nurturing her and caring for her. I'm thankful that they realized they couldn't provide the adequate care that she needed and decided to seek outside help. On the days when it kills me that she doesn't get to see her family or talk to her family, I'm reminded that right now, this is what's best for her. I've learned in the past month that it doesn't take long to become a momma bear. Chris and I have learned that we are her biggest advocates and that if we don't speak up for her, who will? We've been "those people" the last month with teachers, doctors, CPS workers, you name it. I'm totally fine to be thought of as annoying and persistent if it means that little miss gets what she needs. 

Foster care is a broken system, no doubt about it, but it is one of the most beautiful and transformational things I've ever experienced. 

((I plan to write several other posts this month, ranging in all things foster care. If you've ever had thoughts or interests in fostering, please read my next posts. I hope it will encourage you and push you along on your journey. There is such a need for foster families. There is such a need for people to be a voice for the kids who unfortunately don't get one.))