Saying Goodbye

I’ve thought about writing this post for a while, but haven’t quite been able to form the words. The last week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. When we started fostering, I knew that when children would leave our house, it would hurt, but I never knew just how much it would hurt.

I’ve never experienced grief or loss on this level. I’ve had a few close people pass away in my life, but they were older and it was easier to reconcile. In this past week, I have been grieving the loss of a child and it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.  

To make a long story short, we were emailed on a Friday and told that little miss would be leaving our home the following Tuesday. We were completely blindsided, as we had been told she would be with us at least through the end of the year. I always knew deep down that things can change any moment, but I held on to the fact that we had plenty of time left with her. To make matters even harder, we were leaving that Wednesday for a trip home to STL. We had already had the travel approval several weeks before. This meant that not only would she be transitioning out of our home sooner than expected, but she wouldn’t be going on our trip home. A trip we had been counting down for and talking about all the fun things we had planned. I was absolutely devastated and angry.

After a few days passed and we talked to our agency, I was able to see the situation more clearly and felt at peace that she would be with family. I never thought I’d be okay with her not going on the trip, but I trusted the peace that I felt. I was able to understand that for both us and her, it was better to not make more relationships and memories that would then have to be taken away from her shortly after.

When it came time to say goodbye it was an out of body experience. It’s as if someone is dying and you know exactly how much time you have left. You carefully form your words and think about everything you want to say. I laid awake that night thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell her and we just didn’t have that much time. I had to come to terms with the fact that we loved her well and provided her a safe place when she needed it most. This has been encouraging for me as we decide when to take our next child. I want to give them all I have because when they leave, it’s never going to feel like enough time. Many people say they could never foster because it would hurt too much or they would get too attached, but isn’t that the point? If we knew ahead of time that she would leave on said date, we wouldn’t have given her everything we had because naturally, we would have put up walls. I can honestly say that we gave her all we had and I would do it all over again. I pray that the things we poured into her will stay with her and blossom. We may never get to see the fruit that is produced, but we can know that we helped plant the seeds and that’s an amazing privilege to have.

As I move forward, I still have a lot to process through. I still have days where I’m sad and cry. I have thoughts that I feel guilty about. There are so many blurred lines in foster care. I started going to a therapist when we started this journey and it has been such a blessing to work through it with an experienced Christian counselor. I know with time the grief will subside. I think there are certain feelings that will never leave, but that’s okay. I am an adult and will take on all of these hard and awful feeling for the sake of a child. Knowing that while she was in the system she was in a house who actually treated her well makes my heart happy.

Chris and I are praying about when to re-open our house and trusting that God’s timing is best. We don’t want to rush anything and want to make sure we’ve worked through our feelings. I know with each leave, we will have feelings to work through, but with little miss being our first, I think it will take longer. Deep down, I have fears about who our next child will be, but I know God will equip us and give us exactly what we need to care for them.

**To our friends and family – thank you for all of your support, encouragement, and prayers. We have seen the ripple effect this has had on our friends and family as well and we recognize that it’s not easy. Thank you for walking alongside of us and being in this process with us. It really does take a village.

Moving forward, please don’t feel weird to talk about little miss or ask how we are doing. It’s nice to know that people are praying for us. If you ask and it’s a hard day, we’ll communicate that. We will also communicate if we need to just vent for a bit. We are taking this day by day, just like we did when she arrived!**