Hello! It has been a long time since I’ve wrote an actual blog. I’m not really someone who writes about everyday things, but more when I just feel really lead and inspired. Through this letter I really just want to be honest and vulnerable in order to help you understand what I have been learning these past few months. In all of this, I want all of the glory to go to the Father!
So, let’s rewind about 5 months ago. I can honestly say that 5 months ago I was in the darkest place of my walk with the Lord, but ironically, I think one of the best places – I just didn’t know it at the time. Basically, I was in a place where I was beginning to question everything I believed in. Don’t get me wrong- I never stopped believing in God, but I did start to question exactly what it was that I believed and I wanted to know deep down why I believed what I did. This time was miserable. I felt so far from the Lord, I felt like I was trying to be obedient and stay in the Word, but I just didn’t have those “feelings.” There were many nights where I cried because I wanted to figure out why I was feeling the way I was and I wanted to feel the Lord’s embrace, but nothing was happening. I tried talking to mentors and asking them the questions that I most desperately wanted the answer to, but I didn’t find them. I was extremely blessed by Christopher at this time because I knew I could be honest with him about how I was feeling and not be judged. He was so encouraging and always knew a way to encourage me. He constantly prayed with me and for me and I began to feel his prayers. I am so thankful for him and the blessing that he was to me during this time and still today! :)
I realized that I had a lot of unanswered questions and anger with the Lord because there were many things I couldn’t understand and no one I was asking had the answers that I wanted to hear. I began to pray for clarity and understanding. The Lord heard my prayers and began softening my heart to Him again. I stayed committed to being in the Word daily, even if I wasn’t feeling close to the Lord. This is something I have learned many a times; it’s not about the feelings, but about being obedient. Anyways, I began to accept the fact that I would never understand and that I should continue to seek God, love and serve the people around me, and pray for understanding. And surely enough, God answered my prayers.
One afternoon I was behind on my Bible reading and I sat down to catch up. I was finishing the book of Deuteronomy and it was then that I had a revelation. Moses was telling the Israelites the blessing and the curses of following God or not following God. It was then that it hit me. This may sound like a “duh” moment because we hear this all the time at church, but I am learning that it is one thing to hear and say this, but another to truly believe and live it out. God was showing me clear as day that He is in control of everything. Ultimately, I can live with God and experience His blessings and joy, or I can deny Christ and live in darkness (even though He is still in control). It sounds like a no brainer. Not to mention the fact that He loved us so much, He sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for our sins. I could think of no better thing to live for. I truly believe that I have been blinded by this for so long because of the culture I am immersed in. We live in a place where we think no one should control us or determine our destiny. We don’t want anyone or anything to be in control of us, although so many things are, such as money. It is still hard for me to grasp the concept that God created me in order for me to live for Him and His purpose, not my own. It’s not surprising that we mold God into whatever we want Him to be because we want to be in control and we want to create our purpose in life- our culture drills that in our heads. I have been filled with so much joy and peace after finally figuring this out. It makes so much sense in my head. It has completely changed how I have begun to live my life. My worship has changed – He deserves our best worship all of the times, with hands lifted high. My outlook on how I spend my time has changed – am I living intentionally or am I wasting my time? My decisions for how I live my life have changed in many ways and my desires for things of this world have grown faint.
There have been so many more things that God has been doing in my life in order to reveal himself to me and I want to share them all, but this post is already so long! I will be writing another post in a few days about lent and how I have been so blessed in learning about where I am spending my money and how I am tithing. All I have to say is that the Lord is so faithful in His promises.
Lastly, I just want to close by encouraging anyone who is questioning their faith. First and foremost, don’t be afraid to voice you fears and frustrations with the Lord. He knows your prayers before you even lift them up to Him. Also, don’t be afraid to talk to others about them, it doesn’t make you any less of a Christian. In all honesty, I am so thankful for this time of darkness because it has allowed me to truly find the Light. I know that sometimes it is scary to share our doubts because we are told that we aren’t supposed to have doubts, but it’s in those times where we have doubts that we stay in the Word and draw closer to God in order for Him to help us understand Him better. I learned that seeking the wisdom of other believers is only helpful to an extent when trying to learn about God. The best person to help you learn about God is God himself. I feel that if we never stop and question why we believe what we do then we may miss out on a closer, more intimate relationship with the Father because we are happy staying where we are.
In Deuteronomy, Chapter 4, Moses is telling the Israelites how idolatry is forbidden although he knows that it will most likely happen, he ends by saying "But if from there you seek the Lord your God,[meaning in the Promised Land] you will find him with all of your heart and with all of your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy your or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confined to them by oath."
Deuteronomy 4:29-31 -- There is no way to read this and not be filled with hope!!
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